Last fall I was driving near a local elementary school at about 10:00 a.m. I was cruisin’ to the sound of Carlos Santana, enjoying the motion of my car and the guitar music for which he is famous. I was engaged in the music and reveling in the freedom I experienced in my mind. The rhythm of the music combined with the oscillating curves and turns in the road swayed with the notes and took me completely to another place and time.

 As I rounded one of the more inviting and dramatic curves I saw a well-known friend of society; the black and white vehicle of the traffic police. His light blazed on and I was stopped dead in my tracks, guilty of driving over the speed limit. As he sidled up to my car I rolled down the window and said, “Thank you officer!” He was taken aback by this pronouncement, probably because he thought I was attempting to wiggle my way out of a citation. But in truth I was thankful he stopped me, for I had been somewhere else in that symphonic space and time.

 My mind had temporarily lost track of the stories told by every one of my friends regarding their “near accidents”.  It fled far away from the training I had undergone in my youth. It trailed away from memories of loved ones I have lost behind their steering wheels. Indeed, my mind was so disengaged that it failed to consider my own car accident many years ago, during which I was thrown from the vehicle, landing on my face, ripping away many layers of tissue. No, I was truly grateful for the police officer’s certain and sure judgment of my wrongdoing and the reminder I needed to pull in a bit, regardless of the rhythm of the Grammy-award-winning tunes.

There is so much inviting all humans far away from what they know is right. If I, as an adult, with all my experiences with the dangers of vehicular speed, can still be distracted during driving by catchy music consider what those less experienced go through. I have driven on that road many times since and felt that pull, the quiet invitation towards a bit more speed. Yet just the other day I noted a number of youngsters on the edge of that road trailing their way home to mom and dad. I know that somewhere there was a wise city traffic engineer who had studied that area and determined, though wisdom and grace and discernment, that this was an area to take it slowly.

Judgment, that call to correct, is a challenging yet necessary element of society, and it is an essential aspect in parenting. Yet it is often done in ways that tear down rather than build upward to higher goals. Parents have a responsibility to judge the actions of their children but, like the traffic engineers and police, have a responsibility to not simply judge but to insure they have taken some key steps prior to the act of judgment.

The reason parents and even the police judge is to show the ultimate in love and consideration! We stop those going the wrong way because we care. To not redirect would be a neglectful disservice. Judgment is the task of showing someone that you are willing to risk feeling uncomfortable in order to create a situation that is more desirable, safe, secure, and just. We perform this loving but uncomfortable act to make the world a better, life-giving place to inhabit.

 Prior to judging, before telling a child that they are not headed on the right road or at the right speed, ask yourself a few critical questions:

Have I taught the skills that would enable this child to perform this task or handle this situation in a way that is acceptable?

 Have I researched what is appropriate to expect from a child this age?

 Has my child proven, through demonstration, that she/he has integrated my teachings?

 Have I allowed enough supervised practice over time for the child to execute the skills in an appropriate fashion?

 When you’ve completed all the steps above you still need to tuck a few more things into your tool box before you insist that the child fix the flat tire you may be judging. Misguided judgment delivered in the wrong way can deflate the life-long relationship you are ultimately desiring to build with your child.

When I consider my traffic situation one can be sure I had enough instruction, experience and practice to drive down that road safely, even with Santana in the CD player. My speeding was sheer carelessness! I deserved the judgment of the police and the citation. In fact he would have done me a disservice, and you too, had I not been cited.

All judgment needs to be rendered in the context of truth. That is, the parent must clarify that that the task has not been done well, not that the person is unworthy. Too often parents judge in ways that attack the person, not the action, and this can undermine the relationship with the child and degrade the child’s self confidence and self efficacy. I know from personal experience this can be difficult as a parent, especially in light of the frustrations that parents experience raising their kids. Parents must proceed with thoughtful consideration, much as a policemen is trained to do while approaching any vehicle. Remember that rendering judgment has the potential to be very volatile.

Having said that, I offer this simple parenting rule to remember; the DO IT AGAIN rule. This rule must be implemented with patient kindness and numerous chances to accomplish it. The DO IT AGAIN rule insists, in loving judgment, that the task be completed again until it is done well, with thought and intention. It does not insist or assume that the task be done in a pleasant, joyful fashion. When I received my traffic citation the policeman immediately implemented the DO IT AGAIN rule by following me for numerous blocks, supervising my driving and insuring that I would be safe, imprinting the message while allowing me to practice right away.

Also remember to avoid CRITICISM, SARCASM, and COMPARISON. The hurtful use of criticism is experienced by the child as defeating and keeps them from the practice they need to imprint the skill effectively. Do not use sarcasm, as it too can be hurtful and invites derisive laugher, keeping the child from the contemplation they need  to solve the problem. Finally, avoid all comparisons. This only tends to give a child a model for what to copy, perpetuating rather than solving the problem. Statements like “You always behave like Uncle Joe, he never gets it right” points a child in the direction of where to continue to fail. In all of these negative options the child does not get the chance to relearn, redo and to make amends for a task done not so well. Criticism, sarcasm and comparisons get in the way of the ultimate goal, which is to do the task well and to learn how to renew their relationship through pleasing you, not feeling bad about themselves.

So remember that because these little ones came into your life they are forever with you on your life path, providing you the opportunity to teach, guide and judge in love and kindness. Parents are called not to be indifferent to the lapsed skills of their children but to offer the loving opportunity to try it again. Whether it’s the term paper written in a sloppy ink pen, the dishes not stacked properly in the cupboard, or something a little more serious, parents need to be the speed bumps in the road of growing, teaching children to take the journey in a smoother way. 

Listening to Children

Busy summer days, filled with family visits from afar, brought me to the occasion to call a friend to inquire about a venue to take relatives for an outing. I looked up my friend’s phone number and rang her line. Soon her husband came to the phone and I asked to speak to Whitney.

She came directly to the phone said “Hi” and then her voice paused for the period of a lengthy dream. I waited, wondering what she was doing, in the background I could hear her daughter who kept up a conversation.

Her little girl, a toehead child of five, off to kindergartner this Fall, was explaining points she had started prior to my call and her mother was letting her finish her. I flashed back on my days as a mother of young children and chastised myself for too often putting a phone call before their emerging vocabularies. Not Whitney, for some wonderful reason she has this valuable skill.

 Listening is a priceless gift. And deep listening with the patience of the sages can be acquired, for a child’s developing language takes time and practice. Summer is a perfect time to hone ones listening skills for the children are more available without the demands of school and the days are longer too. Is it not the American dream to enjoy a lazy-summer-eve while having meaningful conversations building memories?

Too often parents are focus on the daily tasks and miss the relationship building of hearing our children. The radio blaring in the car, the television sounding false company and or juicy novel distracting our view. While all the while the youth of today are ready to talk.

In working with families over the years I have often used a simple learning exercise to teach the value of listening. Try it! Consider a time when you felt loved and recall what was taking place. If I have a class of ten people, eight will respond that the person who was showing love was simply listening to them. The other two will say the person was giving a hug of comfort after a time of difficulty. Showing you love others by listening is a free endeavor and being listening to is the single most important gift offered our children. Imagine the feeling of love Whitney’s girl felt when mom made a conscious choice to not hush her.

In being heard children develop the confidence and self-esteem for later relationships. If they have chances to express themselves at home they may find it easier to do so later. They will also have the chance to witness listening skills and will be more likely to listen to others too.

Listen skills can be acquired at any time and once acquired and the steps are fairly simple but the require concentration and time.

 Simple recipe for listening:

Be aware of distractions: Decrease things getting in the way —television, radio, telephone. (We often turn the ringer off so that we can have a chance to be a present to our family time. This can be frustration for the world outside our home, but later we are able to make connections.)

Be aware of body height: Due to our size we can intimate our children by standing above or even below them while they talk. Be on the same visual plain.

Use an open stance and confirm with a nod: Lean forward, uncross arms and legs and nod to signal your interest and that you are hearing. Your body actions often give away your true intent.

Use eye contact: See what is being said the face can display reflections the voice is unable.

Stop your own internal conversation and judgments: While hearing the listener forms an opinion and conclusions. This internal distraction dilutes the quality of authentic listening.

Repeat back what you heard to clarify any error: Referred to as “rephrasing” or "mirroring" simply rechecking your comprehension to assure you heard the sentiments expressed.

Avoid solving problems:  Children have noteworthy skills in solving problems and simply need someone to hear their struggle. If you are unsure, ask if they want help, otherwise simply say “Oh” “Hum” “My” "I see" "Thank you for telling me" "Tell me more". 

Focus your attention: Take soup off the burner, stop the lawn mower a see a worm, put down the paper as your teen expresses frustration with a situation.

Tonight as you bid today good-bye consider your child who lays drowsy in bed and begins to drift off to sleep. What memories of being heard might he have from today? What conclusion might he be drawing about you? What about himself? 

Remember anytime you interact with an human being you are possibly making a memory—and you do not get to choose what they remember.