Listening to Children

Busy summer days, filled with family visits from afar, brought me to the occasion to call a friend to inquire about a venue to take relatives for an outing. I looked up my friend’s phone number and rang her line. Soon her husband came to the phone and I asked to speak to Whitney.

She came directly to the phone said “Hi” and then her voice paused for the period of a lengthy dream. I waited, wondering what she was doing, in the background I could hear her daughter who kept up a conversation.

Her little girl, a toehead child of five, off to kindergartner this Fall, was explaining points she had started prior to my call and her mother was letting her finish her. I flashed back on my days as a mother of young children and chastised myself for too often putting a phone call before their emerging vocabularies. Not Whitney, for some wonderful reason she has this valuable skill.

 Listening is a priceless gift. And deep listening with the patience of the sages can be acquired, for a child’s developing language takes time and practice. Summer is a perfect time to hone ones listening skills for the children are more available without the demands of school and the days are longer too. Is it not the American dream to enjoy a lazy-summer-eve while having meaningful conversations building memories?

Too often parents are focus on the daily tasks and miss the relationship building of hearing our children. The radio blaring in the car, the television sounding false company and or juicy novel distracting our view. While all the while the youth of today are ready to talk.

In working with families over the years I have often used a simple learning exercise to teach the value of listening. Try it! Consider a time when you felt loved and recall what was taking place. If I have a class of ten people, eight will respond that the person who was showing love was simply listening to them. The other two will say the person was giving a hug of comfort after a time of difficulty. Showing you love others by listening is a free endeavor and being listening to is the single most important gift offered our children. Imagine the feeling of love Whitney’s girl felt when mom made a conscious choice to not hush her.

In being heard children develop the confidence and self-esteem for later relationships. If they have chances to express themselves at home they may find it easier to do so later. They will also have the chance to witness listening skills and will be more likely to listen to others too.

Listen skills can be acquired at any time and once acquired and the steps are fairly simple but the require concentration and time.

 Simple recipe for listening:

Be aware of distractions: Decrease things getting in the way —television, radio, telephone. (We often turn the ringer off so that we can have a chance to be a present to our family time. This can be frustration for the world outside our home, but later we are able to make connections.)

Be aware of body height: Due to our size we can intimate our children by standing above or even below them while they talk. Be on the same visual plain.

Use an open stance and confirm with a nod: Lean forward, uncross arms and legs and nod to signal your interest and that you are hearing. Your body actions often give away your true intent.

Use eye contact: See what is being said the face can display reflections the voice is unable.

Stop your own internal conversation and judgments: While hearing the listener forms an opinion and conclusions. This internal distraction dilutes the quality of authentic listening.

Repeat back what you heard to clarify any error: Referred to as “rephrasing” or "mirroring" simply rechecking your comprehension to assure you heard the sentiments expressed.

Avoid solving problems:  Children have noteworthy skills in solving problems and simply need someone to hear their struggle. If you are unsure, ask if they want help, otherwise simply say “Oh” “Hum” “My” "I see" "Thank you for telling me" "Tell me more". 

Focus your attention: Take soup off the burner, stop the lawn mower a see a worm, put down the paper as your teen expresses frustration with a situation.

Tonight as you bid today good-bye consider your child who lays drowsy in bed and begins to drift off to sleep. What memories of being heard might he have from today? What conclusion might he be drawing about you? What about himself? 

Remember anytime you interact with an human being you are possibly making a memory—and you do not get to choose what they remember.